Here comes the rain...

Yes, it's that time of year again; the neurotic in me has resurfaced. I kinda liked repressing my neuroses and really making the implosion worthwhile, but, what the hell. Psychological sadomasochism. Okay, I am feeling really lame writing this junk. I used to think that I had to be perfect, and how arrogant and self-important is that? Must've been deep insecurities. Good. Check that one off the list. What am I thinking when I refuse to let myself enjoy.. myself. Wait, no, it's not what you think... I just don't let myself live in the moment. I observe, then analyze later. And there goes my life, I see it for the first time after it has passed. I simply must decide where I want to go. Who I am. I am a being here to learn, love and understand. All boils down to the same thing: Here to make mistakes. That is the point. And you've the brain to decide, to will, to discriminate. It's so easy, and here you think that you have to keep punishing yourself so the goal seems worth it. There is no goal, doofus. The search for the Holy Grail... It's the journey. All of these words I've heard over and over again but they don't seem to sink in. Must process. Must live. Just participate, screw the plan.