Favourite automatic sounds triggered by burning my fingers on the sterilized forceps from hell: "Fuck-that's-a-bitch." [Must be said quietly and quickly, under one's breath; extra points for saying this one while in the watchful presence of supervisor and new group of botany recruits.]
Yes. So.
Biked to work in the rain this morning. Changed into warm, dry clothes. Marched my ass to the lab. Said 'good morning's to people. Talked with grad student from Taiwan while emptying magentas and autoclaving. Went into transfer room, began my work. Okay I will write in sentences now. My friend (Taiwan) was doing her transfers too, so she came over to my side of the room, sat on the table and turned on the radio. And guess what song was playing? And I am changing writing tense now:
She turns on the radio, mid-song " ... And who would've thought - it figures?... [I smile and start singing] Mr. Play-it-safe... was afraid to fly... he packed his su-u-ui-uit-case, and kissed his kids goodbye-yie.. He waited his whole damn life, to take that flight, and as the plane crashed down, he thought, 'Well, isn't this nice...' - And isn't it ironic? Don't you think? A little toooo ironic? And yeah, I really do think... it's like raiinnnnnnn..."
So of course I'm sitting there singing along, laughing to myself and in wonder at the beauty of it all, or something like that, and my friend yells, her voice almost inaudible above the directorless sprawling hum of the hoodmachines and the radio and me, "You have a nice voice." Um, okay. Something's up. I set down what I'm doing, then turn to give her my full attention.
I give her an inquiring look. She wants to talk about relationships; more specifically, how to find a person with whom to relate affectionately and with whom to share all of life's joys and obstacles-transmuted-into-joys. At this moment I am feeling rather buoyed by her faith in me and by her buttermeupsweetly comment about my latent professional singing potential, so I, being full of myself, jump right in over my head and give her tons of advice that would convince Dr. Phil's loyal following to jump ship, switch teams and bat for Sonya. Oops I mixed metaphors but I like to 'cause it's fun for me. So anyway, I tell her what I have learned, from experience no less! Yes, I have some experience! After years of living in words and books and ideas, I am making something of myself -- in the world! Actualizing potential! Inspired by these words (paraphrased but in quotations anyway): "True, the unexamined life is not worth living, but the unlived life is not worth examining." BOO-yah. Word to yo motha. Back to what I was typing now.
I put on my mickey mouse hat. I tell her: "Know what you want. Think of the feelings you want when you are with the person you want in your life, whether that is a relationship or a true love or whatever, and write it down. Write down the personal qualities you appreciate, imagine yourself doing things with this person and living the life you want, and write it down... And read it every morning and night."
She says, "That guy in Taiwan, I really wanted it to work, but I didn't know how."
Me: "Did you tell him how you felt?"
Her: "Hmm yes, I wrote him a letter."
Me: "Okay, when you're thinking of the person you want in your life, do not attach your ideals to any person just yet. Envision your 'true love' or whatever relationship you want, and imagine how you feel together and think of what you do together. If you choose one flesh-and-blood person in your mind, before having a clear intention of what you want your life to be and how you want to live, then that will not work. I have done that before, and it doesn't work.
Her, knowingly, "Like... Russia?"
Me, laughing, "Uh yes."(close enough. We shall call her 'Russia' for this entry.) Yes; first you have to be clear in your mind about what you want, and then if that person, that guy in Taiwan, is the one for you, then who knows? Your paths will cross again."
Godspeed, girl.
So I get back to work, sitting there.. and "Every Little Thing She does is Magic" by The Police comes on the radio.. 'haa,' i think to myself... 'Russia put that song on a cd for me...' Oh yes, back to my cord-cutting, "I do not give you permission to attach yourself to me." haha. hmm... i like my life. la di da..
"Nothing Compares to You" by Sinead, that fake lesbian, comes on the radio. I used to love this song. I leave the room to get something.
Later, song: "Insensitive" by Jann Arden. I remember 'cause I am talking with friend from Tanzania when the song comes on, and I say, "I like this song," and we listen for a sec, then talk about coursework and White Rock and her boyfriend and her parents.
So I finish my work and Tanzania and I decide to check out 'Agora', the student-run not-for-profit restaurant deli place in the basement of our building. I had never ever been down there before. Usually I head straight home after finishing my work on the third floor but today I want to inject some low-risk spontaneity into my daily routine. Yes, about that... Anyway. Also, have I mentioned that it is raining today? It is raining a lot. I decide to hangout in Agora for awhile; let the rain do its thing and prepare some soaker puddles for my ride home. So there we are in the basement of the building, which is by the parking lot, and there are 2 doors and a wall of windows that look out onto the outside patio. It is raining (did I mention that? Yes, it really is.) and I am talking with my friend, waiting for my veggie sandwich. Out of the corner of my eye, I see someone outside, trying to pull open the locked door a few steps away from where I am standing. Glad to have the chance to give some humble help in this world and with my heart full of love for humanity, I skip over to the door. I look at the person standing there on the other side of the glass. Hmm, I know this person. Where do I know that person from? Holy shit. Oh yes, now I remember; she fondled my breasts and juggled my heart. Russia. Our eyes meet. Though her lips don't move, -- well they do kinda move and I think maybe she does say FUKKKKKKK under her breath, I can also hear that she is thinking, *FUKKKKKK! Look down, look away, look away, look away...* Or maybe I am projecting because I do a quick breakdance on the floor and I hesitate and for a second consider the option of not opening the door, just to make it easier for her... But no, that would be weird.... Her expressions are so easy to read. I smile. I start to see the humour in everything and that slightly awkward feeling quickly goes back to hell from whence it came and then I feel my heart all happy and familiar, and I open the door and give a friendly, "Hey!" and step aside.
I don't remember looking at her at this point. I remember opening the door and turning my back to her so she has space to walk in. As soon as she is inside and has a clear path of escape, she hears an inner whistle or something marking the beginning of her sprint heat, because she says a quick, "Thanks," to no one in particular and then she is off and running down the hall.
I watch her. She can really motor. I feel fine and calm. I feel like the laughing monk. But soon I return to human form and I shake uncontrollably. Well, not tremors or anything to cause a scene; just a little shakiness and shivers. And I suddenly MUST know, woman to woman, the answer to the most burning question of all. I turn to Tanzania; she is talking but I interrupt her to ask, "Hey, -- do I look like crap?"
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