I am joking.

I was 'the shadow' in Andrew's movie today. I was supposed to be in a sensory deprivation lab, but I'm not quite sure what my motivation was. I wore a long black costume and kept tripping, which added to the sense-deprived effect, I guess. I also played with the camera and captured some outtakes for the making of the making of the movie Antidromica (Shiv is doing the first making of). We ran through the university tunnels and read the graffiti left there by the potheads. I typed 7 "I's" in this paragraph. So that was my exciting day. I've been staring at the computer screen all week, so it was nice to stretch out my legs and walk a few miles to the bus. 8. 9 if you want to get all technical on me... 8, correction, 9, first-person nominative subjective pronouns? -- or 8.9 miles to the bus? Who cares.

I laugh when my friend feels violated when her friends read her online journal. What the hell is the point of an online journal? Exactly. If I didn't want anyone to read something, I wouldn't write it; I would run to the nearest confessional booth and give the priest his daily whack-fodder.

current mood: shocked
current music: The sound of my nun ancestors turning in their graves

um

This morning when I woke up, I could hear mourning doves and people talking outside my window. Not with each other. Just so you know.

song lyrics that make me giggle

the murmurs - you suck. "right now there's dust on my guitar you fuck, and it's all your fault. yeah, you terrorized my mind, and for that you suck, uh hooo." 'you suck' was the first song i had ever heard from this band. the song was so shitty that i was moved by its shittiness, listened to it nonstop, and ended up developing an unhealthy attachment, and dare i say it, a queer affection for it, something like the responsibility i would feel for a three-legged dog that followed me to the lake, or for a fireant hill on the far corner of my summer cottage property. don't kill it! don't kill it!

helium - hole in the ground. "there's a lot of things i'd like to do, there's a lot of things i'd like to do. boy -- one of them's not you."

the geraldine fibbers - dragon lady. "got some satisfaction from lifting up your dress. a slap in the face is worth a hundred words." i like this entire song.

fifth column - imbecile. "don't get me wrong, it's just a goddamned song, words and music only two minutes long. don't get me wrong; so what? you're a freak, like everybody else... a demi-god would never laugh as loud as you." i heard this one on the radio one night and it made me laugh. the second time i heard it i didn't like it as much, but i still listen to it twenty times a day.

mecca normal - ice floes aweigh. "my dad asks is there anything i'd like to know, like before he dies, anything i'd like to ask? i ask, 'dad, where'd your dad come from?' but what i'd really like to know is, 'why'd you throw that huge glass of chocolate milk at me when i said i was moving out, at 17? and did either of you read my last book? and why'd you tell people you're going to kill the guy in the trailer next door?'"

mary timony - the dryad and the mule "...checking out my friends, like, are you cruel? am i a mule?"

Fragmentary, my dear Watson.

Today I am sorting through my belongings and getting rid of everything that I don't absolutely love.

Absolute love - redundancy or misnomer? Discuss.

I want to go to a Bif Naked concert but I don't know where she's playing or when. I also... like... Buffy the Vampire Slayer. *assumes defensive position*. I want the DVD collection.

I want to play in a band.

I love listening to my mom's stories and recollections of her childhood.

I want to protect the people I love. I've found that I have no idea what is best for people, nor they me, so I shall just bug off, in general. What did Thoreau say? -- something like, 'If I knew a man was coming over with the sole intention of doing me good, I would run for my life!'

I miss watching black-and-white movies on my aunt and uncle's small t.v in their bedroom while sipping a cold can of orange c-plus through a straw. The can was placed in one of those styrofoam can insulators. I miss it all. I remember.

Etymologically speaking, 'naive' or 'nice' originally meant 'ignorant'. Semantic shifts are revealing.

I want to start my own business.

I am so damned grateful. Sometimes when I'm deathly serious and lose perspective, a smile or a tragedy suddenly reminds me how often I waste myself and take people for granted. And knowing that makes me hate myself more. Must be hormones. Chemicals explain a lot of behaviour... They explain behaviour. Reactionaries unite. This whole fucking world is one huge reaction. I don't like to swear; I'm a bit of a prude (which is funny considering I'm going to hell anyway..hee hah hoh), but lately 'fuck' is THE word that best satisifies my language needs during emotional outbursts. fuck this, fuck that, fucking this and that.

I choose not to watch television. Unless Janeane Garofalo is on. Or a decent comedy. Or a thought-provoking movie. Or nudity. Or I'm bored. So much for my convictions.

I want to see The Matrix Reloaded and The Lord of the Rings. (I'm reading Tolkien's LOTR books because the author was a philologist and I've decided that philology is the answer to all of my earthly problems. Or beer is. I joke. I'm a prude, remember? But hey, prudes always turn into perverts, so, Woo-hoo!)

I am a control freak because I don't trust myself.
Note to self: Trust yourself. Trust me.

[I ate too much sugar.]

snippets from the past week

May 6. In last night's dream, I was crying, yet still self-conscious (meaning that I cared about what people watching the display thought, so I know that whatever it was that I was crying over must not have been too dire. Or maybe it was something existentially dreadful, and I just couldn't comprehend its weight because I have stopped valuing things and have forgotten what really matters to me... Okay, I get the message. Now I shall rethink my values. Nietzsche would be proud). May 5. I walked around town in the rain with a friend-in-training. We went to a few stores and ate at Lick's. Sounds really interesting. At one point we were half-naked and watching movies while our clothes were drying, but no one wants to hear about that boring stuff. Almost every single time that my sister wants something from me, she does not ask, she demands. I, as the others she offends, immediately assume the defensive position and expend hours of time and energy trying to prevent her from, say, using my extra pencil sharpener for example. May be A Unified Field Theory would put a smile on my face.