sharing goals to remind me [SGTRM]

Self-Education in Learning languages

Wayne's Online Newsletter:

11/25/05
Educational Standards

Professional educators keep coming up with lists of what kids should learn and when they should learn it. They like setting standards and administering tests to make sure the standards are met.

Well, we know one things for sure, the present system isn’t working. The educator’s answer for that is to lower the bar by making the tests easier and encouraging teachers to teach to the tests.

Yes, there’s no question that kids can live better, more productive lives, if they learn to read. That’s about as fundamental as education can go…and we’re not doing it.

Hey, how about making it fun to learn how to read? And write? How about getting kids to do it because they enjoy it?

When I was seven and discovered the Oz books, I’d have loved to have a web site where I could tell others how much fun reading the Oz books was. And then the Tarzan books. And how much fun it was to find clay to mold of different colors in the ground in the woods behind the school. And going up in a plane with my dad. Or my visit to Lakehurst and seeing the Graf Zeppelin up close!

I like the Sudbury Valley School approach of letting kids learn what they want, when they, want, and because they want to. I just want to help make more educational resources available…and the promotion to get kids interested.

Screw standards. Every kid is different, so let’s stop this push to make them as much the same as we can. Meet standards. Let’s encourage kids to draw, paint, learn to play instruments, juggle, ride horses…and to write. And if geology, math, chess, psychology, and so on click with them, let’s allow them the freedom to follow their star. Let’s just make the resources easier to find. The true test is the end result, not an inflated grade so the teacher won’t look bad…and the kids will feel good.

Where is this book?: "The Children of the Law of One & the Lost Teachings of Atlantis" by John Peniel Excerpts from book.

Sometimes people need to be forced to be free. Push them off the edge. Sound. Attraction. Vibration. Entertainment. Education. Laws. Paradox. Typing to remind myself later, of what I feel now. Languages. Hidden Meaning. Teaching to Learn. Directing knowledge, is Power. Create the conditions, form the environment. Surround yourself with the in-formation of what you desire. Be soul now.

Short term goals: while in school for advanced electronics / sound design / whatever I attract that is the highest expression of my potential, I
- live in a beautiful studio apartment where I am happy and do my work and live healthy principles
- study languages and timeless ancient wisdom
- use sound to invoke the body's own healing
- photograph and make art for my walls
- invite friends over for organic meals that I am wonderful at preparing ;-)
- read everyday. even while in the midst of my rigorous studies which discipline my mind to ensure the effectiveness and clarity of my communications
- express myself clearly and for reasons aligned with highest intentions for growth/evolution/fun
- smile in the morning when I wake up. Say a little prayer for youuuuu
- listen to good music. Read what stimulates my mind to act in ways that are consistent with my highest ideals. Live my principles of kindess. Random acts of beauty and all zhatttt.
- bike for transportation and exercise; -- my bike being almost as lean and sexy as my body. ;-0 Yes.
- appreciate the so much love that is my life and friends and loved ones and people and beings and all the lessons and fun we all create together (or that i create when i feel like going into my room for a week of meditation where i do not accept phone calls or e-mails or telepathic messages. or wait, yes i do accept the latter; while in meditation i am tuned in to the ONE. so yes, telepathic messages permitted. oh, that reminds me -- no phone for me. no cell phone. (next thing i know, i will have a cell phone. no, thanks.)
- have paid-off all student loans in their entirety. i am financially independent and i choose wisely in which direction and to which ends to direct the abundant manifestations of money and resources that gracefully flow to and through me to fulfil the purposeful needs of myself and others. i develop and apply my gifts and at the same time, encourage others to develop theirs and to know and live their joy. all happens in the right way at the right time. lots of fun!
- earn lots of money using my gifts (big boobs. or my synthesizing mind and impeccable taste in beauty and value and all sides of the sideless) to enrich my life and the lives of others. i live comfortably and use money as a tool to live the fun life of effective communication. and to travel to remote places to know and study languages and texts and knowledge and to meet interesting people whom i help on their journeys and whom help me on my journey. i disseminate collected knowledge in books and glances and use knowledge to serve the highest goals of kindess and responsibility for my world. i use my money and resources to help others to think for themselves and to choose what is beautiful. money serves to enable me to focus on highest goals, some of which include teaching others to educate themselves, and to enjoy the gifts of their beingness. god i sound strange. good.
- make beautiful things and think beautiful thoughts and make generous fun of myself in an accepting way whilst doing so
- thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you
- go to ontario in jan.-feb. to test myself and to serve the looooove
- wear professional-sonya-comfortable clothing and colours that reflect the person i am and want to express
- care for an animal companion. dog or cat. horse on my country estate.
- am loveable and loving and playful and faithful! woohoo! i am the person i want to love. (i have forgotten whether the proper spelling is 'lovable' or 'loveable'.. i'll go for both.) and i have a kickass sense of humour (aptly named - often my humour kicks me in the ass; fun!)
- attract into my life everything i need that helps me to give more love and express the fire inside. (i love saying, 'fire inside.' fiery lions. i mean loins. no, lions.
- love you all. you have no idea how much i love you. in a safe way. in a safeway. if i see you in a grocery store, you will feel the love from a safe distance and smile.
- write short stories and notes to uplift and remind and provoke. i write pertinent words that resonate with the chords of love. hahaa. um. i write to entertain and to free the locks that hold the veil of maya in place. okay, i write when i feel like writing and when i have something more to say that is smiley and affirming of the good stuff. and edgy.
- be and do what my soul screams, "YES" to...

now i am dancing in my room and lee is taking pictures! yes, this has never happened before, clothed.

oh, i shaved my legs in preparation for tonight's festivities:



when in doubt, read the disclaimer atop this site.

Random House

TV Violence Researcher Dies

Sweet Science of Stories


Alice Munro Interview


Philip K. Dick

A speech published in the collection I Hope I Shall Arrive Soon (see above). Available online [1].

* Because today we live in a society in which spurious realities are manufactured by the media, by governments, by big corporations, by religious groups, political groups...So I ask, in my writing, What is real? Because unceasingly we are bombarded with pseudo-realities manufactured by very sophisticated people using very sophisticated electronic mechanisms. I do not distrust their motives; I distrust their power. They have a lot of it. And it is an astonishing power: that of creating whole universes, universes of the mind. I ought to know. I do the same thing.

* The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use the words.

* Science Fiction writers, I am sorry to say, really do not know anything. We can't talk about science because our knowledge of it is limited and unofficial, and usually our fiction is dreadful.
From Wikipedia's entry on Philip K. Dick

My sister is beautiful. Even when she tries to look whorish.

It's like that, and that's the way it is.

I wonder how many times the movie ticket collector guy has had this exchange:

Ticket guy: "Thank you and enjoy the show."

Movie-goer: "Thanks, you too!"


Hmm -- how many times? Um, well, at least as many times as I've been to the cinema.

;-)

Or, maybe these people are smart enough to know when they are full of it.

oh, look -- it moves!

According to Nietzsche, all interpretations are like sand-castles at the seashore; they are meant to be created and then destroyed, held for a time and then replaced by others, not fixed into the hard cement of "dogmas" or "systems." Nietzsche is a great critic of systems, although he understands the basic human tendency to build systems as well as the basic human tendency to seek shelter in systems, though their permanence is artificial and their solidity is illusory. Life is seemingly ... transitory, and humans are constantly tempted to seek refuge in doctrines, philosophies, etc. that have the semblance of "justice" and stability.

- this guy.

"The denial of natural inclinations -- the denial of life -- is the sickness of modern civilization."

Allergy Clearing, DNA Activation and Autoimmunity - Sol Luckman: "I firmly believe the root cause of these autoimmune illnesses is genetic damage through factors such as vaccines compounded by cellular toxicity.... Potentiation employs particular combinations of sounds embodying healing intentions that are remotely transmitted to the recipient's DNA, initiating a domino effect of electromagnetic repatterning designed to reset the body’s bioenergy fields to proper harmonic functioning. This is done without altering the individual's basic DNA by simply activating a genetic potential that already exists."

[see also Buddhist Healing and Sanskrit Sutras - mantras imbedded with intention]


Jeremy Narby


Sound, Intention & Genetic Healing - Sol Luckman: "Recalling Edgar Cayce's prediction that 'sound would be the medicine of the future,' Jonathan Goldman in HEALING SOUNDS: THE POWER OF HARMONICS coined the following inspirational formula: sound + intention = healing. If we define intention as a form of conscious light energy roughly equivalent to thought, an idea consistent with many shamanic traditions such as that of the Toltecs of Mesoamerica, we can translate Goldman's formula as: SOUND + LIGHT = HEALING."

I read "Health and Light" by John Ott. Check out this online article too - 'The Role of Light in Health'

ADD and Hyperactivity Success - More of the same info about importance of clean and sound food.. full-spectrum lighting.. (common sense).

Semiotics - Daniel Chandler: "To me, the most important thing is that it helps us not to take the everyday for granted; it helps us to look more closely at those things which we take as being commonsense and requiring no comment. It helps us to look for absences, to look for those things which are either notable by their absence, as we say, or which go without saying, for which we also have a phrase. It helps us to unpack the conventions that are involved in order to realise that convention is involved and that news or photographs are not simply reflections of a world, but are a way of building a particular view of the world."

Pay attention to your words. Know their names; meanings; histories.

Do I stay or do I go.

Coal for minors.

Today at work: Ukrainian man, 41, says to me, "Young girls are naughty!"

He proclaims this bit of experiential (?) wisdom at an awkward stop in our friendly conversation. We are alone in the room. I am turned toward the fume hood, holding some scissors and my breath; he is clutching at some plastic sealant tape and his remaining shreds of dignity.

What's even better is that he repeats the line twice; the first time I don't quite catch (or believe) what he's said: -- "Pardon? What's not 'E'?"

I think that maybe he is talking about some physics equation I've missed, or maybe some cool new tissue culture lingo the gang'd discussed at Friday's morning meeting that I'd skipped: "Sonya, that's not 'E'. Like, that's not kosher in the lab. Stop drinking the ethanol."

Seconds before, we had been talking easily about life goals and happiness and doctors and his ichthyology toxicology Master's Thesis and hiking to see mountain views. Now we are dancing around teetering mountains of titular flesh. I want to laugh but the tension (all in my mind) is too good to relieve just yet. I want to drag this out, because it's a Tuesday and I've been sitting in a small room transferring exacum for 4 hours straight, listening to country radio (country radio every day at work -- I swear that explains why I had the idea of 'move to Calgary' implanted in my brain). So I sit and drag out the silence..

And I sit, drawing this out. The silence draws more attention to the last words uttered. I love this. I am naughty. I feel a bit evil, as though I am neglecting my duty to bail out a fallen comrade. Yes, he's gone overboard; but I can throw him a lifeline and risk going over myself, to level the playing field -- reveal something about myself to balance this vulnerable little friendship we have forged out of wood. Hard, smooth wood. Ew, I am stopping now. I made reference to wood simply as a device to illustrate that our friendship is an organic, growing relationship that contours 'round obstacles and absorbs barbed wire fence. No, not exactly. I don't remember where I am going with this.

I sit some more and continue my delicate transfers, my smile cracking wider and faster than my calm exterior. I think to myself that perhaps at any moment he will jump the desk and take me Casanova style, right there amongst the plant media and sterilized forceps. But, alas! I mean, Thank God! No, he does not. He laughs, embarrassed for saying something usually reserved for an intimate friend or drinking buddy -- not for a casual co-worker with stylin' 80s-esqe holes in back of jeans.

I revel in the theoretical embarrassment that this situation brings (to people other than ourselves; we are too cool and lacking in pretense to get caught up in protocol and appropriate lab subject matter -- heck, we talk about immigration policy in the midst of an international university, for frik's sake). I wonder whether he is awaiting some thoughtful response from me (shall I agree? "Yes, young girls are naughty.. wink wink.").

Maybe I'll say something to ease his racing mind. Maybe I'll play it off, because it's not a big deal. Maybe I'll make it a big deal, because again, it's a Tuesday and I'm amusing myself at the expense of another. Hehe, no. But what is an appropriate response to such an assertion? -- "Excuse me, but could you please clarify? Do you mean, naughty, as opposed to nice? Or naughty, as in kinky kink-kink?" I sit and bite my tongue. Really, no good can come of this.

And no good comes of this. I look up at his face, my eyes searching for guidance. My expression is questioning, but I can tell that I suck at conveying the facial expression of 'questioning', and I instead appear only to be in love with him. Damnit. And then I come home and write this in my blog, and hug my pillow and listen to Dion & the Belmonts.

(Things to do on a rainy day to figure out what the hell you're doing with your life.)

Find your Gifts and Talents Guidebook pdf

Goal Setting

Basic Life Skills

Your Potential

Potent. Balance - Embrace the masculine energies within to create what you imagine. Embody (masculine) the vision (feminine). Use your power by uniting the complements within. Thinking and doing.

(That seemed brilliant to me at the time.)

(An example of What the first posting after a few days' hiatus from blogging, should not be):



"Yes everyone, that's right; I have been out stalking for the past few days."

I have been stalking myself. Watching my thoughts, memorizing my likes and dislikes.

I like routine; I like having structure to my day, if for no reason other than that limits give me something to rebel against. A focus. A point of reference. In order to exist, I need my opposite. I can find that opposition within myself, or I can look for it out there, and I've done that, and it ain't no happy ride. So, within it is. Woohoo.

Okay, I am doing these self-help sheets like there's no tomorrow. Except, there had better be a tomorrow, or why would I be putting forth such an effort today? Oops I'm late; will be back later to discuss this with myself.

From the files

Notes scribbled down in my papers from many sources, some of which are noted. Health is all about becoming whole = open connections to all parts. So I'll say that to heal is to become conscious of interconnection. Of self. Puttin' it alll together. In systems theory (and I argue with some of the conclusions drawn about energy in systems. Well my beef's with semantic definitions really, and also I make things up as I go -- but that's another entry), closed systems are subject to entropy and cannot exist for long (tendency to disorder. "All processes in closed or isolated systems have increasing entropy.") Physical things die and break. But open systems are self-organizing and enduring. Soooo keep your link to the energy source open. You are not alone. Keep open to the loveeee.. I love applying concepts out of context. BUT. Everything IS connected and Spirit is in all things. (Know this.)

Simoneton: 'if human nerve cells can receive wavelengths they must also be transmitters: senders and receivers must be able to enter into resonant vibration with each other in order to pick up a transmission.' Lakhovsky likened the system to two well-tuned pianos: when a note is struck on one it will cause the same note to vibrate on the other.

Water is capable of being 'vitalized' [radiant] by association with minerals, human beings, or plants. Bovis and Simoneton's thesis: human beings should eat fruit, vegetables, nuts, and fresh fish that give off radiations higher than the 6,500 Angstrom units (of healthy human being) if they wish to energize themselves and feel healthy. They believe that low-radiance foods, such as meats and bad bread, instead of bringing vitality to the body, sap the body of its existing vitality and that is why one can feel heavy and devitalized from a meal one expected to replenish one's energy.

'Thought is a food.' We don't eat food, but energies. Everything is frequency: hv=mc[superscript 2]

To heal: flood the body with beautiful vibrations.

Rupert Sheldrake, plant physiologist: theorizes that the universe functions not so much by immutable laws as by 'habits' -- patterns that have been created by the repetition of events over time. According to this hypothesis, organizing fields, called morphogenetic fields, serve as blueprints for form and behaviour. In other words, once a pattern of behaviour is manifested, it becomes easier for others in that species to perform that same behaviour through what is called morphic resonance (pg. 98, Sound Health)

Music and sound may be used as sources of energy and as a way to correct energy imbalances in the body and mind. (Sound Health)

Conditioning: Behavioural learning process wherein even subtle rewards or reinforcement, such as suggestions from someone we respect, can promote the conditioning process. Simoneton suggests to terminal cancer patients that the patients' healthy cells can attack and destroy the cancerous ones. This approach is based on the theory that every cell in the body is able to respond to mental suggestion. (pg 132)

What clinical research is demonstrating about the human self-regulating system is the ancient adage that ENERGY FOLLOWS THOUGHT. If the desired result is thought of, imaged, or affirmed, energy seems to be attracted to the healing process and the result is accomplished sooner.

"De La Warr realized that the real key to getting plants to flourish was simply asking them to do so." (secret life of plants, 359)

From the History and Power of Mind by Richard Ingelese:

Every individualized part is a magnetic centre. So, your duty to yourself and to Deity is to become a positive centre; and the higher your rate of vibration the more powerful do you become. You must be strong and then whatever you undertake will end successfully... So it is that men become vortices in this great magnetic sea of consciousness, and according as they become positive and strong do they draw to themselves whatsoever they desire. But we cannot help others until we become strong ourselves. We must have force before we can impart it to others. We must know before we can teach. (pg. 38-9)

Sun: lightwaves/vibrations from the sun are the strongest, the most powerful and the most magnetic that come to us from any source. (pg 42)

When a person or any other individualized consciousness concentrates its thoughts upon the sun it receives a mental and a magnetic treatment from that great centre, since the concentration of thought opens a direct channel for the great force to flow through to the one concentrating upon it, and the vibrations both mental and physical of that person or creature are raised in proportion to the intensity of its powers of concentration. (pg 42)

Divine mind is precisely analogous to a sensitive plate, and each human thought makes a picture on that plate. By thought you make the exposure, and the thing pictured will in time become your own, for you are attached to your creations and time develops the picture for you. If you hold the image you have made long enough you will get a perfect picture; if you think idly, then you have made what photographers would call an underexposure and the picture is not full, clear, and perfect, and many of the details are left out; but by holding the picture firmly and strongly, you make is a permanency and then it is yours, for thoughts become things.

Mental pictures are first mental things, but after a time they become physical things or draw physical things to them, for the great Consciousness gives back to us precisely what we have sent into it.

It gives to us whatever we ask of it, and our ignorance in making demands will be no protection to us. The only way that evolution can go on is by Divine Mind granting every request that we persistently make; it is in this way we gain wisdom through experience. (pg 43)

Consciousness is limited in its manifestation by the medium or media through which it manifests; for an illustration, take the consciousness of a flower, an animal, and a man. There is a limitation of the expression in each of these, by reason of the form in which it manifests. And consciousness also accentuates the peculiar nature through which it manifests. It accentuates that particular portion of the Universe, or planet, or man, in which it manifests.

Evolution --> select highest expressions.

Rosicrucian stuff:

Love is the basis of the healing art.

Lessing the Wise: "What have I then to neglect? Is not the whole of eternity mine?"

Paracelsus: "If you want to help people, the Spirit and the Truth will lead and guide you!"

Hans Heinrich Ehrler: "I believe that a man can become so good and loving that he can heal the sick"

Old Rosicrucian motto: "Follow Nature! Follow Nature! As she works so will I work!"

"If you're going through hell, keep going." ~Winston Churchill

"We acquire the strength we have overcome." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Enduring habits I hate.... Yes, at the very bottom of my soul I feel grateful to all my misery and bouts of sickness and everything about me that is imperfect, because this sort of thing leaves me with a hundred backdoors through which I can escape from enduring habits." ~Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science, 1882

"Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are." ~Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha

"You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you." ~Walt Disney

"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

"There is no education like adversity." ~Disraeli

"Sleep, riches, and health to be truly enjoyed must be interrupted." ~Johann Paul Friedrich Richter, Flower, Fruit, and Thorn

"Smooth seas do not skillful sailors make." ~African Proverb

"Against criticism a man can neither protest nor defend himself; he must act in spite of it, and then it will gradually yield to him." ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Maxims and Reflections

"Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive." ~Josephine Hart

"God brings men into deep waters, not to drown them, but to cleanse them." ~John Aughey

"Everybody ought to do at least two things each day that he hates to do, just for practice." ~William James

"Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us." ~Rainer Maria Rilke

"Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave." ~Rainer Maria Rilke

Adversity quotes page.

Revisitation

I'm deleting everything on my harddrive that is no longer a reflection of me at this time. Sure, I might be a bit "delete happy' and erase things I still like, but better to err on the wild side of freedom than to be caught with a folder full of Mariah Carey hits.

Release release cry smile heal fun. RRCSHF. (I'm feeling a little abbreviated in the midst of this whirlwind of change.)

Oh! Found some descriptions closer to my heart's ideal: Romantic Friendship. Friendship. Boston marriage, hah.

Anglo-American Romantic Friendship

“Perfectly respectable Victorian women wrote to each other in terms such as these: ‘I hope for you so much, and feel so eager for you… that the expectation once more to see your face again, makes me feel hot and feverish.’ They recorded the ‘furnace blast’ of their ‘passionate attachments’ to each other… They carved their initials into trees, set flowers in front of one another’s portraits, danced together, kissed, held hands, and endured intense jealousies over rivals or small slights… Today if a woman died and her son or husband found such diaries or letters in her effects, he would probably destroy them in rage or humiliation. In the nineteenth century, these sentiments were so respectable that surviving relatives often published them in elegies…”

-- Stephanie Coontz, The Way We Never Were [66]



“[In the 1920’s] people’s interpretation of physical contact became extraordinarily ‘privatized and sexualized,’ so that all types of touching, kissing, and holding were seen as sexual foreplay rather than accepted as ordinary means of communication that carried different meanings in different contexts… It is not that homosexuality was acceptable before; but now a wider range of behavior opened a person up to being branded as a homosexual...The romantic friendships that had existed among many unmarried men in the nineteenth century were no longer compatible with heterosexual identity; old frontier habits of sharing beds or ‘rolling up together around campfires to keep each other warm’ were ruled out of bounds. Increasingly, either genital sex between men or careful physical and emotional distancing ‘crowded out more sublimated erotic relations’ and replaced more nuanced male friendships.”

-- Stephanie Coontz, The Way We Never Were [195]



“These women [in the United States before 1900] had no difficulty in distinguishing sentimental gesture from true romantic friendship. When … they told each other, ‘I love you,’ they meant precisely that. When they wept for sorrow or joy at the loss or the return of the beloved friend, their tears were real… Their language and behavior are incredible today: Thus such friendships are usually dismissed by attributing them to the facile sentimentality of other centuries, or by explaining them in neat terms such as ‘lesbian,’ meaning sexual proclivity. We have learned to deny such a depth of feeling toward any one but a prospective or an actual mate. Other societies did not demand this kind of suppression.”

-- Lillian Faderman, Surpassing the Love of Men [84]



“[I]f women on a large scale now had no hindrance in their freedoms, they might find kindred spirits, other women, and provide homes and solve the problem of loneliness for each other. For the first time, love between women became threatening to the social structure.”

-- Lillian Faderman, Surpassing the Love of Men [238], referring to Boston marriages


“friendship, n. … 2. the highest degree of intimacy.”
-- Samuel Johnson, Dictionary of the English Language, 1755 From this site

Some words of others I had saved in a file but wanted to delete. So I saved them here (hmm, does that count? :-p).

"I am that which I think myself to be."

Ideals are reflected to us from the unseen spirit. The laws of matter and spirit are not the same. One can be broken, but not the other. To the extent that ideals are kept is your future assured.

It was never intended that man should suffer. He has brought it upon himself by disobeying the laws of nature. He knows them so cannot plead ignorance. Why does he break them? Because he does not pay attention to those ideals flashed to him from the Infinite Spirit.

Life is but one continuous unfoldment, and you can be happy every step of the way or miserable, as you please; it all depends upon how we entertain those silent whisperings that come from we know not where. We cannot hear them with mortal ear, but from the silence they come as if they were dreams, not to you or me alone, but to everyone. In this way the grandest thoughts come to us, to use or abuse. So search not in treasured volumes for noble thoughts, but within, and bright and glowing vision will come to be realized now and hereafter.

You must give some hours to concentrated, consistent, persistent thought. You must study yourself and your weaknesses.

- Theron Q. Dumont

* As soon as the love relationship does not lead me to me, as soon as I in a love relationship do not lead another person to himself, this love, even if it seems to be the most secure and ecstatic attachment I have ever experienced, is not true love. For real love is dedicated to continual becoming.

* It's not enough to have lived. We should be determined to live for something. May I suggest that it be creating joy for others, sharing what we have for the betterment of personkind, bringing hope to the lost and love to the lonely.

* One does not fall 'in' or 'out' of love. One grows in love.

* Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

* We need not be afraid to touch, to feel, to show emotion. The easiest thing in the world is to be what you are, what you feel. The hardest thing to be is what other people want you to be. Don’t let them put you in that position.

* We need others. We need others to love and we need to be loved by them. There is no doubt that without it, we too, like the infant left alone, would cease to grow, cease to develop, choose madness and even death.

L Buscaglia

Clear

Giving good head. The best part of the article is this line: "if you can design something that gives pleasure, you've got a business just waiting to happen." There. No need to read the rest. But you will click on the link anyway, won't you...

My mind is making sense to me again. Welcome home, marbles.

Saturn trine Sun. Burning hot and burning slow.

This morning I got up early, felt excited and donned the layers of ridiculous-looking clothing that only cyclists can get away with wearing. (I love the unspoken acceptance of the standard creativewear of the commuting cyclist: the tights under long shorts and maybe some bright socks worn over the bulging pant piece tucked in at the ankle. Tres Sexy. Secretly I like it, except my fashion sense was 'commuter cyclist' before becoming one, soo....)

Shout-out to my sister

Oh, they always do; they always do.

(Thank you.)

Too much pure maple syrup at midnight.

(As above...)

(Applies to entry below.)

Shine like a burning star

I reread an entry. I can tell when I've been analyzing excessively: I'll be writing along, the warm breeze of some invincible summer playing through my hair as I roll on down the literary highway, when suddenly I spot something momentarily shiny in my mind's eye. I stop for a closer look. I pull out an overstrong microscope through which to view the interplay of the subtle sights in the words I am transcribing. I want to understand. I want to make the meaning better. I want to inject coding where it doesn't belong and to help the words engender meaning endlessly (which they do so well on their own, yes; but what good is a bandage if there's nothing to stick it over?). It is there, at that moment of word rape with the microscope, where I lose the greater perspective and get all technical and make up a sentence that is specific and accurate but utterly meaningless and dangerously lame on the whole. Example, "dangerously lame" -- if something's lame, it's not going to pose much danger. Except as the weakest link; there is danger not in doing, but in failing to do.

Drastic and calm measures

Listening to Sarah McLachlan's "Full of Grace" and "I Don't Know How to Let You Go" on repeat...

I am moving to Calgary for awhile.

I want to sublet my room so I have a place for when I come back. So, my tiny room (and the room's bed), is available Jan 1st. Rent is 325 a month -- includes internet in the room, garden in backyard, everything! Gas stove/oven, laundry, bike room. Right on the bike path. Close to downtown. Across from cool little store. Close to Commercial Drive. Good, quiet area. Hot roommates (3) who are active and not often at home. So that's my ad, spanky.

The last time that I had a pensive period and then made the most exciting and right spontaneous decision of immense growth, was almost 2 years ago. Hah, well there have been others, but I'm talking about the kind of ready-made, right-feeling decision that comes out of nowhere in answer to my heart's question -- something I can't put into words (but I will anyway), but only feel. A decision borne of right timing and trusting my knowing despite what others' responses may be (though quite often, others are supportive and benefit by my taking the initiative to live my life passionately). The pieces fit.

I remember in April 2004 when I bought a plane ticket to Vancouver for the next week, then changed my plane ticket destination from Vancouver to Calgary the morning of my flight. My father drove me to the airport, not knowing when we'd meet again. On the drive I was furiously purging my already light duffle bag, repacking my clothes and bringing nothing but the necessities. I knew I'd be on my own. I felt so strong and wild and SONYA. Everything unknown was my ally... I had nothing but the proverbial song in my heart, $200 cash in my pants and a pair of socks there, too. Yes, I had balls (my grandmother says, to do what I did, hahh). I will romanticize the experience now. I will tell you that I had not one shred of fear in me, that I knew exactly why I was going, that I had faith in the goodness of my will, and that nothing was going to stop me or convince me to deviate from my goal (which was not so much a goal as it was a principle). And, well, that is correct. I WAS in the know. Love (adrenaline mixed with dopamine, yum) knows everything.

So I landed in Calgary, after a week of little sleep and nothing but my own delusions of specialness to ensure my creation of my heart's vision. (That's all it takes to make my life happen -- focus not on what is apparent, but what is in my mind; so 'twas good for me that I'd figured this out and that I am great at ignoring the state of physical reality around me....) I felt good. I was still in the know. Yes, I didn't know what the hell I was going to do next, but I was calm and excited and every face was a potential angel in disguise. (I meet tons of 'em on my journeys). I called my father from a payphone. He broke down and cried, and told me how proud he was of me, a smalltown girl, for having the courage to go my own way, live out west with no place to stay, no friends, no common sense, no nothing. I couldn't tell whether he was joking or giving me shit. Probably a bit of both -- typically Canadian; ashamed to be proud of anything, eh?

The rest of the story I'll regale another time. Or perhaps I'll let it be at that.

I feel good.



Taking myself out of the equation. Brilliant!

"Can we go and eat lots of apples now?"


Lost in reverie... "Mmmm... apples...."


Eating lots and lots of apples. Korean medicine spread out on the table...


*Finally, I am getting into Lee's pants*


And then we play videogames.

Alignment

I am sitting here typing away while my roommate is cleaning the house Cinderella-style. I swept the floor with my sock; that's enough to boost morale and morale's more important than the laborious portion, methinks.

I've been working on creating the conditions for my life to flourish. (I laugh when someone encourages me to, "take some time off for yourself." I think my life is one big time off. I take time off from my time off. My day consists of the following mindtwisting decisions: hmmm, shall I go for sushi now, or later, after traffic has died down? I'll go around sunset, then I can drop by English Bay and take more photos, yeah. Shall I have my shower before, or after, my bike ride? Hmmmm. 

A nice bedtime story

There is a mouse living with me in my room. I can hear it in the night; it chews holes through my bags of oatmeal and flax seeds, and craps on my clothes. (Yeah, it is the cutest thing...)

At three in the morning I crawled down on the ground and asked, "What the hell do you think you're doing? Helloooo? Get out of my stash. Yo! You!" The thing didn't even flinch until I found the light switch. I couldn't sleep after that. I had visions of mouse eating my face. As a kid I raised gerbils, and the mother gerbil sacrificed its life for its starving pups. (I swear, I fed them!) Anyway, the little pups devoured the tail and the face of their mother first.... I remember the smell; the scent of blood mixed with cedar shavings; and the scent of leather, as I ran outside with my baseball glove to play instead of cleaning up death valley. Like most kids, I had learned that if I ignored something for long enough, it would eventually go away. *Close your eyes, close your eyes, close your eyes, this is not happening, this is not happening. You're not really here, you're somewhere else, dreaming about this. You're okay. Everything's the same.* But the blood didn't go away. In fact, it got more bloody before it got less bloody. My world had changed. I just couldn't think of the cute little gerbils in the same way after that: "You ate your mother...! You bastards! Eww, and I let you play in my mouth! No more!"

The gerbils that I had once begged for and wanted so very badly to care for, became a weighty bloody mess on my conscience. For a long time afterwards, every tragic scene was a haunting reminder of my deferred responsibility: squished squirrel on the road? Dead gerbil I neglected. Bloody scenes in movies? Gerbil guts. Zombies eating people alive? I wonder if the mother was alive while the little buggers nibbled off her nose...?

Okay, the gerbil was 4 years old and probably died of the shock upon realizing: "holy shit, I'm a 90-year-old mother." Maybe. Or maybe, she recognized an opportunity for uncredited greatness and thus forfeited her life so that her young might flourish with healthy, bright shiny coats. Is a rational explanation really going to help me to feel any better about the event? Hmmmmm, Yes. Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. Tell me that all gerbil mothers die for their young. Oh, they don't? Well then, tell me that my gerbil was a member of a secret religious sect that prided itself on its bleeding edge occultist practises. Yes, that's gotta be it. Damn religious fanatics and their pride. I'm absolved of all responsibility now. Not my fault; her choice. In fact, I should feel angry for having been subjected to such a shocking display against my will! Yes.

No, I'm full of shit. I wonder if people who are full of shit, know that they are full of shit...? Oh, they know that they are full of shit -- that is why they must recite their beliefs over and over, lest they forget their convictions and their worlds fall apart. Back we go to cognitive dissonance.

Um I don't really know what I'm getting at here, but I'm fairly certain that the words "chemical" and "imbalance" make an entrance in Act 3, Scene 1. That's the extent of Hamlet in my story, 'cause the next scene is out of the Hitchhiker's Guide. Nothing exists in a vacuum; all touches all. Sweep away until there is nothing left to trip over. Nothing is as it seems, so look to the source and not to the writing on Schrodinger's Wall. I like to change things after the fact and reuse the past to make something new. Brahma - Shiva - Vishnu. (I'm sure I'll read this later and wonder what the hell I'm talking about.)

Oh, here's a rat near my house:

"The tao that can be spoken is not the tao"

I think that the taoists are akin to the libertarians; -- They know what is best for you, but they will not force you to do it. They will not even tell you what is best. Haha. (Because... they don't know the specifics either. They know that you must learn on your own; you must walk your own path alone.) I like that.

You cannot be honest with the world if you are not honest with yourself. Pay attention.

[Reminders to self.]

I wrote an entry that was the orphaned love child of Clear-Fm Radio plus yesterday's msning plus Sushi today plus watching "Lost and Delirious" until a couple of hours past 2 in the morning last night.

I did not post it.

Consider yourself spared. =D



"Love IS. It just IS, and nothing you can say can make it go away... because It IS the point of why we are here. It is the highest point.. and once you are up there looking down on everyone else, you're there forever; 'cause if you move, right, you'll fall..."



(I like this shirt.)

Reduced to...

Equations. Equations are simple formulas useful for predicting results. Patterns derived over time. Probability and worlds made manifest for the willing. What you focus on, expands.... What you want, will collapse into being before your eyes. Or maybe just the collapse part.

Thinking of puzzles I cannot begin to put together.... Am I interested in playing those games, as stimulating as they are for the first five minutes? No. I can see the picture on the box; the writing on the wall -- I know how this one turns out. Been there, punned that.

Never write in your blog when you are in a self-righteous mood, Sonya. Okay. Ignoring my sage advice for the chance to wade into hot water on such a chilly day.

So I am in a baking mood. An emotional baking mood. I ate all of my baking for the week. I have an extra cup or two of 'shut the fuck up' if anyone'd like some of that. It's all organic, Made In Canada goodness. Argh, I cannot even let myself write what I want to write, because I know that some people might take things I say personally, thinking that what I say is about them. No. It is not. Well, it probably is; that is why I cannot write about it. Haha. Hmm.

Fuck.

This is not about you. This is about me, but my talking about you is a safe way of talking about me.

The remaining pieces of you in my possession that possess me are:
1. your handwritten phone number (given to me two seconds before you left me on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. That was lovely; thanks),
2. the 'fabulous' book you brought for me to read (because the main character reminded you of me; then later your 20/20 summation was, 'I never really liked it that much anyway.' Thanks, I only took it personally for a week),
3. and two cds packed full of love songs you'd mixed for me when I was on Salt Spring around the same time that we (you) had asserted that our relationship was purely friendship. That was doubly wonderful. Thanks. I suppose it fitting that your last word to me was, "Thanks." You always did have a knack for speaking the words I could not.

I sound like a shafted, angry, hurt little monster kid, reaching back to lick the wounds of Prometheus with a surly tongue that only poisons all it touches. And if I say that I am not angry and hurt, well, who really cares? I know when I am serious and when I am blowing warm air. Sometimes I feel like indulging in the emotions. Most of what I write is a displaced form of something, having little in common with the events I describe, but rather alludes to many things at once. Words are great for that. Words make things less real; they create by destroying. What is real cannot die, but words imitate the real and translate it into manageable little.. uh.. drips of rain.. to swallow.. and pollute.. and something.. and get all wrong, like this sad metaphor. Anyway. At the time, I was not angry. I was not even hurt. I was numb. I was in shock. So, to save myself the pain and hard work, I did what I'd done in school; that is, I hid in the washroom until everyone had vacated the premises and then I went through everyone's records. No. I skipped through the standard levels of grief and went straight for the final rung: Acceptance. Or Denial. Denial / Acceptance. First and Last. Alpha and Omega. I'm still here. It's really quite the feat, straddling a ladder like this. Time to let go and turn on some Tom Petty.

We both know I'm afraid to let you go. Well, I know. You don't think twice about this. That is healthy and I'm glad for that; in fact, if you still thought about me I'd think you were nuts. No, I wouldn't think that. I'd say, "Hey." I'd say, "I have all the patience in the world, for my friend." Or I'd just think those things and you'd walk by and interpret my open-mouthed silence in the worst way, which is the human way. I love that about you. Oh god, I sound like an alien freak. This is why private journals are ideal; no need to explain and preface entries with "No, I promise I will not commit suicide. Relax people." What would I do without you to reference for every thing that goes funny in my life? I would not write stuff like this anymore; instead my focus would be on my dreams and shit like that. Borrrringggggg. If you ever read this, you will have no idea what I mean by this entry. And you will be a little scared that I am still writing about you. But know that I am not writing about you. I am staked out in front of your place, photographing every minute of your life. Joke. I hired some guy to do it for me. Joke. He said he'd do it for free.

I liked writing when I knew no one read it.

This just in....

(19:30:13) xOx~Amber~: ooooooo mom read ur blog by the way.....dododdoodo lalalallalaalla HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA...LOL!!!!!!!!

(19:30:27) Sonya: what?
(19:30:30) Sonya: what?
(19:30:31) Sonya: lol
(19:30:43) Sonya: you are too funny.

(19:30:48) xOx~Amber~: the one about russia
(19:30:50) xOx~Amber~: llalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

(19:30:53) Sonya: hahahaa
(19:30:54) Sonya: when?

(19:30:59) xOx~Amber~: sat

(19:31:03) Sonya: how?

(19:31:19) xOx~Amber~: she was thoroughly impressed with ur writing skills---thinks u should be a writer
(19:31:27) xOx~Amber~: I showed her

(19:31:30) Sonya: that's a consolation.

(19:31:39) xOx~Amber~: how many ppl. have to tell u that for u to believe it???

(19:31:40) Sonya: hahaha fuck. lol. actually that's funny/
(19:31:46) Sonya: 14.

(19:31:52) xOx~Amber~: ahh I see
(19:32:20) xOx~Amber~: omg the funniest part was when she came to that part about the fondling...the look on her face was priceless I;m telling u

(19:32:40) Sonya: Hahahahahaaaaa. i made that part up. it was more of a lick.

(19:32:47) xOx~Amber~: eewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
(19:32:51) xOx~Amber~: shut uppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp

(19:33:06) Sonya: so easy to get you going, i love it.
(19:33:40) Sonya: can you get a pic of mom's facial expression so i can post it on my blog? (A)

(19:33:51) xOx~Amber~: ya I'll try

(19:33:55) Sonya: thanks.

Friends Update (aka a vicarious sense of achievement)

Louis-Philip's article. LP is now on his way back to Montreal. He is one free-spirited dude; friendly as sin. (Sin is very friendly.)

Someone else said this, but I thought it a most fitting altered phrasing of the special kind of fun LP and I always have together: "Monage a trois" (I am three years old). Long-live the wonder of childhood innocence.



In other news: Lee placed First in all of his swim races yesterday (50m, 100m Fly and Relay). Now he is off to Nanaimo on December 3rd to kick more white ass ("swimmer pants" white ass; not a racial thing). Lee is the number 1 swimmer in South Korea, and now in Vancouver, and next in the universe. Way to go, Speed-o!

Pictured below in random order are the (sea)lion, the (bitched)witch and the disrobed.

Score!

free rent

Reply to: hous-111454196@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-11-15, 11:59AM PST


i am offering free rent in a luxury hi rise for a open minded female in exchange for massages.downtown luxury hi rise.pool hot tub etc

* this is in or around dt van
* no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


111454196

Woohoo! And I have references:

"A ship in harbour is safe, -- but that is not what ships are built for." - W. Shedd

Tire of this

Changed my bike tire! Saweeet. This is a picture of my old tire. Impressive bulge, eh? I was quite proud of it.

Hard to let go of something, even if it's making for a bumpy journey. The threat of disaster exhalts my spirit. Eros and thanatos.

Listening to music... "..If I love you, could you love me?.."

Do not sit at home alone on a rainy day and eat homemade cookies and listen to Dave Matthews and think in symbols and get all weird.

Aaron came by to pick up his music equipment. He knocked on the door as I was doing my laundry, vacuuming and listening to Z-95.3FM Radio, and wearing my usual laundry attire: underwearless pants and a bra. Couldn't decide what to reach for to avoid the most embarrassment -- a shirt or the radio dial. For modesty's sake and to spare Aaron's eyesight, I grabbed a shirt and distracted him with my cookies (the ones I had baked, fools). Yes, I knowingly fed the man sugar! Oh, the sins I commit for the sake of modesty. His modesty. My modesty was long ago spoiled. Mine was so pure that nothing would work as a preservative. No amounts of sugar and spice and everything nice.

The best song to dance to while alone in your room is Hung Up by Madonna. For the hour, anyway. And my Metric mix cd.

I wonder how often people write things that they don't really believe, but let the words stand simply for the reason that the words flowed so nicely and sound pretty together.

Hmm...Belief. Believe. What is the point of this word? What is its use? Belief encourages Doublethink; opposing ideas held in the mind at once. Maybe. I shall think about this. Either something is, or it is not. Decide which you want.

Taking things literally. I want to take me laterally and sleeeeeeep.

Literacy. Do I think that blogging is an effective and fun way of practicing writing skills and critical thinking? Umm sorta. Blogging also allows the lazy-mood persons to indulge in malformed ideas without explaining their reasoning process leading up to the moment of claiming something that is entirely obvious to them (and often to no one else). Not good for persuasive writing. I have to go to sleep soon before I start to wake up. But I will finish this post first. So yeah; when writing in-class exams alonggg time ago (why do I always write about school? Do I secretly love it?), I can recall a few times when the clock was a-ticking down and I had two remaining essay questions yet to form ulcers over.... Likely some 'compare and contrast these two thinkers' sort of questions that always confused the hell out of me. [Compare and contrast?! I don't understand the wording! I think my brain gets stuck on certain sounds and refuses to process meaning until a rephrasal has been handed down. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm tired.]

So brain hijinx, time constraints, bullshitting techniques, lack of rigorous mental discipline thanks to jotting-down-indulgent-neurotic-thing habits and a provocative nature would conspire together and I'd scribble out something special. Sometimes serious, sometimes joking, sometimes making a point, most often pointing a series of jokes at myself and having fun. Something like:

"Nietzsche was a sexy man. He oozed natural will power and loved a woman who loved Rainer Maria Rilke. So, to keep his ideals consistent with his writings and to affirm something as opposed to falling into the slave morality of ressentiment and opposing something already affirmed, Nietzsche, uhhh, reacted... by taking the initiative! and stopped loving all women. He looked to some role models, like famous unmarried genius men, to justify his predicament (which was no choice of his own but which he later decided to embrace because, what the hell; better than being a loser. Also, he had already written his ideals, and that would have been embarrassing, to be shaped by / rather than the shaper of / circumstance). He didn't like Socrates because Socrates was a homeless bum who said smartass things but was married, so, like, obviously that just wasn't gonna fly with Nietzsche's thoughts about how one must live according to one's inner daemon and ignore outside influences that only numb the senses and draw one in to conform to lesser standards. Yes. Strict adaptations to life necessitated by change and feelings of uncontrollable destiny. Did I fit enough undefended ideas into this paragraph? Enough terms used improperly and terms that don't make sense in this context? Or in any? Perfect. I am hearing the beat of my own drum. Oh, and Nietzsche acquired syphilis and had to write a living will, because one must write wills to direct where the things go that one has acquired in one's lifetime. It's really hard to write in third person neutral. And don't confuse 'syphilis' with Sisyphus. Nietzsche would not be caught dead rolling some other guy's ball. Oh, he had syphilis just at the end of his life, but time matters not, because the ideas conveyed by Nietzsche's words are timeless, and shit like that. He warned of abysses and looking into the sun, long before retina examiners confirmed that our eyes burn in the light and that what nourishes us, destroys us. Nothing compares to Nietzsche. That's why I omitted the 'compare' part out of the question."

Ohhhh I love him.

Writing is fun; I like writers who are a bit anal when they do it. (Write, that is.) For example, take the passage I've quoted in an earlier entry: "a concern for one's own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. "

Okay, but is concern really a process? Or a state? Or what? Yes, either way, his wording sounds lovely and I understand, but what I'm getting at is myself. All about me. Sometimes I don't pay attention to what I'm writing, and I'm on a roll talking about flowers and equations and colours and can see the connections between all things and I say the most ridiculous things.... Just thinking of some of the claims I've made and the flame wars I've spawned due to careless wording. Yes, as a student I've baffled many a professor. (And by the way, it's not always true that bullshit baffles brains, I found out. On the contrary! -- Keep in mind that when submitting BS-laden, written-last-minute reports to social science professors for evaluation, the old adage that it "takes one to know one," applies liberally.) Sweet dreamsssss

What You'll Wish You'd Known; a highschool address. Long.

PhDs Say the Darndest Things

Other .. interesting .. things published in journals:

Title: Testing the Hypothesis of Modified Dynamics with Low Surface Brightness Galaxies and Other Evidence
Authors: Stacy McGaugh and Erwin de Blok
Comments: Accepted for publication in the Astrophysical Journal. 35 pages AAStex + 9 figures. This result surprised the bejeepers out of us, too [from LANL preprint notice astro-ph/9801102, contributed by Christina Williams Heikkila]

No data were taken at station D during the period 0830 to 1630 GST due to the presence of a red racer snake (Coluber constrictor) draped across the high-tension wires (33,000 V) serving the station. However, even though this snake, or rather a three-foot section of its remains, was caught in the act of causing an arc between the transmission lines, we do not consider it responsible for the loss of data. Rather we blame the incompetence of a red-tailed hawk (Buteo borealis) who had apparently built a defective nest that fell off the top of the nearby transmission tower, casting her nestlings to the ground, along with their entire food reserve consisting of a pack rat, a kangaroo rat, and several snakes, with the exception of the above-mentioned snake who had a somewhat higher destiny. No comparable loss of data occurred at the other antenna sites. [N. Bartel et al. 1987, ApJ 323. 507]

We will now go on to justify the system of dimensions that has been chosen. Readers with weak stomachs may wish to pass to the next subsection. [J.R. Fisher and R.B. Tully, ApJS, 47, 139 (quote from page 185)]

Cataclysmics? Too trendy for my taste. [Bruce Margon, 20 August 1984]

Interpretation is cheap in astronomy because any ad hoc assumption consistent with our extensive ignorance and limited data may be used. [Condon, Helou, and Jarrett, AJ 123, 1881, 2002]

Remote viewing.

[ Passages from 'Alien Agenda' by Jim Marrs, pg.346; Posted to thoroughly discredit anything I say or do ;) ]

'There is a low humming sound and the colour of light changes with the intensity of the sound. It feels really good. I can't quite go inside the main room where everybody is. but I'm in like an anteroom. There is like a monolith in the middle of the room and there is a reddish, eight-sided stone, large, about halfway up this thing. Looks like onyx or black granite . . . Well, I'll be damned! This humming is the prayer! That's how these guys pray. But to whom or what? Everybody, comes the answer.'

One viewer witnessed another ceremony involving water -- 'the water of life, they call it.' Perhaps a hundred hooded beings participated in the ceremony in a large rectangular room with the walls covered by hieroglyphics. 'Everybody is praying and giving thanks to the One. Maybe this One should be capitalized. Maybe this is God to them. No, this is a little different, feels a little different. This is a form of what I would call God but it's like the whole lot of them and everybody who is alive. I mean the sum total of our spirits . . . God Almighty! Could it be that they are praying to all of us put together? Is that what One is?'

One possible answer came from another viewer who told of a conversation with a hooded being who patiently tried to explain that each individual being is the eyes and ears of the Creator. 'When one forgets that, there is separation and separation is unnatural,' this viewer was told. 'He says that regardless of what body form we have, we are also made of something that interfaces with body form. He says we call this the mind, but it's more than that. . . . He says mind and feelings go together and have always gone together, but that emotions, strong emotions cloud awareness. He's also telling me that to really live simply means to live without fear. Everything is energy, he says, and that I must try to understand things in terms of energy exchanged, shared and not to steal energy from another. He says this is what reality really is -- energy and energy exchanges. He's now telling me that what I think the world -- no, the universe -- is really like, isn't. He says I am relying too much on what others tell me and what I and others agree is. He says for me to go on a discovery. Find out things, he says. And now he takes off his hood. It's a guy with shoulder-length light brown hair and light eyes, hazel, I think.'

Messages of Water

Manifestation and Delusion

Rosicrucian stuff: "Our environment is a looking-glass in which we see our character reflected."
" This brings us to a most important factor in the situation, namely, the creative power of thought. This power is the most fundamental and potent factor in human life.
The saying. "Thoughts are things," is startlingly true. Every time we think a thought, we are making a thought form which may become a living force. It floats in our aura and becomes a part of our individual mental atmosphere; therefore, it is a part of our very life.
The next step in the activity of creative thought is that it clothes itself in the substance of desire and emotion. This step has two effects: first, it may lead to corresponding action; second, thought forms not calling for immediate action may be stored in the memory as patterns for future use. We have access to them at any time; thus they eventually may appear as physical realities in our environment, making it "good" or "bad" according to the thoughts that created it.
Therefore, if we wish to change our environment and our fortune, we must change our thoughts. By so doing, we will be making new and good destiny, which in due time will appear in our lives, and which will give us better work and supply many of our material needs.
One reason why some people do not achieve success is that they unconsciously or ignorantly violate the Law of Giving and Receiving. There really is a cosmic law administered by unseen Forces which decrees that in order to receive, one must first give. By sharing what we have, we open the channel which permits an inflow of the desirable things into our lives. "

"The universe may not play fair, but it has a hell of a sense of humour."

Favourite automatic sounds triggered by burning my fingers on the sterilized forceps from hell: "Fuck-that's-a-bitch." [Must be said quietly and quickly, under one's breath; extra points for saying this one while in the watchful presence of supervisor and new group of botany recruits.]

Yes. So.

Biked to work in the rain this morning. Changed into warm, dry clothes. Marched my ass to the lab. Said 'good morning's to people. Talked with grad student from Taiwan while emptying magentas and autoclaving. Went into transfer room, began my work. Okay I will write in sentences now. My friend (Taiwan) was doing her transfers too, so she came over to my side of the room, sat on the table and turned on the radio. And guess what song was playing? And I am changing writing tense now:

She turns on the radio, mid-song " ... And who would've thought - it figures?... [I smile and start singing] Mr. Play-it-safe... was afraid to fly... he packed his su-u-ui-uit-case, and kissed his kids goodbye-yie.. He waited his whole damn life, to take that flight, and as the plane crashed down, he thought, 'Well, isn't this nice...' - And isn't it ironic? Don't you think? A little toooo ironic? And yeah, I really do think... it's like raiinnnnnnn..."

So of course I'm sitting there singing along, laughing to myself and in wonder at the beauty of it all, or something like that, and my friend yells, her voice almost inaudible above the directorless sprawling hum of the hoodmachines and the radio and me, "You have a nice voice." Um, okay. Something's up. I set down what I'm doing, then turn to give her my full attention.

I give her an inquiring look. She wants to talk about relationships; more specifically, how to find a person with whom to relate affectionately and with whom to share all of life's joys and obstacles-transmuted-into-joys. At this moment I am feeling rather buoyed by her faith in me and by her buttermeupsweetly comment about my latent professional singing potential, so I, being full of myself, jump right in over my head and give her tons of advice that would convince Dr. Phil's loyal following to jump ship, switch teams and bat for Sonya. Oops I mixed metaphors but I like to 'cause it's fun for me. So anyway, I tell her what I have learned, from experience no less! Yes, I have some experience! After years of living in words and books and ideas, I am making something of myself -- in the world! Actualizing potential! Inspired by these words (paraphrased but in quotations anyway): "True, the unexamined life is not worth living, but the unlived life is not worth examining." BOO-yah. Word to yo motha. Back to what I was typing now.

I put on my mickey mouse hat. I tell her: "Know what you want. Think of the feelings you want when you are with the person you want in your life, whether that is a relationship or a true love or whatever, and write it down. Write down the personal qualities you appreciate, imagine yourself doing things with this person and living the life you want, and write it down... And read it every morning and night."

She says, "That guy in Taiwan, I really wanted it to work, but I didn't know how."

Me: "Did you tell him how you felt?"

Her: "Hmm yes, I wrote him a letter."

Me: "Okay, when you're thinking of the person you want in your life, do not attach your ideals to any person just yet. Envision your 'true love' or whatever relationship you want, and imagine how you feel together and think of what you do together. If you choose one flesh-and-blood person in your mind, before having a clear intention of what you want your life to be and how you want to live, then that will not work. I have done that before, and it doesn't work.

Her, knowingly, "Like... Russia?"

Me, laughing, "Uh yes."(close enough. We shall call her 'Russia' for this entry.) Yes; first you have to be clear in your mind about what you want, and then if that person, that guy in Taiwan, is the one for you, then who knows? Your paths will cross again."

Godspeed, girl.

So I get back to work, sitting there.. and "Every Little Thing She does is Magic" by The Police comes on the radio.. 'haa,' i think to myself... 'Russia put that song on a cd for me...' Oh yes, back to my cord-cutting, "I do not give you permission to attach yourself to me." haha. hmm... i like my life. la di da..

"Nothing Compares to You" by Sinead, that fake lesbian, comes on the radio. I used to love this song. I leave the room to get something.

Later, song: "Insensitive" by Jann Arden. I remember 'cause I am talking with friend from Tanzania when the song comes on, and I say, "I like this song," and we listen for a sec, then talk about coursework and White Rock and her boyfriend and her parents.

So I finish my work and Tanzania and I decide to check out 'Agora', the student-run not-for-profit restaurant deli place in the basement of our building. I had never ever been down there before. Usually I head straight home after finishing my work on the third floor but today I want to inject some low-risk spontaneity into my daily routine. Yes, about that... Anyway. Also, have I mentioned that it is raining today? It is raining a lot. I decide to hangout in Agora for awhile; let the rain do its thing and prepare some soaker puddles for my ride home. So there we are in the basement of the building, which is by the parking lot, and there are 2 doors and a wall of windows that look out onto the outside patio. It is raining (did I mention that? Yes, it really is.) and I am talking with my friend, waiting for my veggie sandwich. Out of the corner of my eye, I see someone outside, trying to pull open the locked door a few steps away from where I am standing. Glad to have the chance to give some humble help in this world and with my heart full of love for humanity, I skip over to the door. I look at the person standing there on the other side of the glass. Hmm, I know this person. Where do I know that person from? Holy shit. Oh yes, now I remember; she fondled my breasts and juggled my heart. Russia. Our eyes meet. Though her lips don't move, -- well they do kinda move and I think maybe she does say FUKKKKKKK under her breath, I can also hear that she is thinking, *FUKKKKKK! Look down, look away, look away, look away...* Or maybe I am projecting because I do a quick breakdance on the floor and I hesitate and for a second consider the option of not opening the door, just to make it easier for her... But no, that would be weird.... Her expressions are so easy to read. I smile. I start to see the humour in everything and that slightly awkward feeling quickly goes back to hell from whence it came and then I feel my heart all happy and familiar, and I open the door and give a friendly, "Hey!" and step aside.

I don't remember looking at her at this point. I remember opening the door and turning my back to her so she has space to walk in. As soon as she is inside and has a clear path of escape, she hears an inner whistle or something marking the beginning of her sprint heat, because she says a quick, "Thanks," to no one in particular and then she is off and running down the hall.

I watch her. She can really motor. I feel fine and calm. I feel like the laughing monk. But soon I return to human form and I shake uncontrollably. Well, not tremors or anything to cause a scene; just a little shakiness and shivers. And I suddenly MUST know, woman to woman, the answer to the most burning question of all. I turn to Tanzania; she is talking but I interrupt her to ask, "Hey, -- do I look like crap?"

Reach out and touch someone

We are touched by art in so many ways; it's time that we give a little something back.
[More to come.]

Raining outside... so.... inside day

Many passages in books that resonated for some reason or another at this moment:

"We have to show these men and women freedom by enslaving them, and show their courage by frightening them."

There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, that specified that a concern for one's own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane, he had to fly them. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of the clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.

"That's some catch, that Catch-22," he observed.

"It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka replied. [Joseph Heller, Catch 22]

"Something within fishermen tries to make fishing into a world perfect and apart - I don't know what it is or where, because sometimes it is in my arms and sometimes in my throat and sometimes nowhere in particular except somewhere deep. Many of us probably would be better fishermen if we did not spend so much time watching and waiting for the world to become perfect."

***

"All there is to thinking is seeing something noticeable which makes you see something you weren't noticing which makes you see something that isn't even visible."

***

"Help is giving part of yourself to somebody who comes to accept it willing and needs it badly.

"So it is that we can seldom help anybody. Either we don't know what part to give or maybe we don't like to give any part of ourselves. Then, more often than not, the part that is needed is not wanted. And even more often, we do not have the part that is needed. It is like the auto-supply shop over town where they always say, 'Sorry, we are just out of that part.'"

I told him, "You make it too tough. Help doesn't have to be anything that big."

He asked me, "Do you think your mother helps him by buttering his roll?"

"She might," I told him. "In fact, yes, I think she does."

***

"... but you can love completely without complete understanding."

Now nearly all those I loved and did not understand when I was young are dead, but I still reach out to them... Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it. The river was cut by the world's great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. On some of the rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs.
I am haunted by waters. [Norman Maclean 'A River Runs Through It']

Quo Vadis

"Goals are not only absolutely necessary to motivate us. They are essential to really keep us alive." - Robert H. Schuller

"To will is to select a goal, determine a course of action that will bring one to that goal, and then hold to that action till the goal is reached. The key is action." - Michael Hanson

"I am comforted by life's stability, by earth's unchangeableness. What has seemed new and frightening assumes its place in the unfolding of knowledge. It is good to know our universe. What is new is only new to us." - Pearl S. Buck

"A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the "why" for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any "how."" - Victor Frankl

"The price of greatness is responsibility." - Winston Churchill

"Through pride we are ever deceiving ourselves. But deep down below the surface of the average conscience a still, small voice says to us, 'Something is out of tune.'" - Carl Jung

"Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others." - Buddha

"To be loved for what one is, is the greatest exception. The great majority love in others only what they lend him, their own selves, their version of him." - Goethe

"Your body needs to be held and to hold, to be touched and to touch. None of these needs is to be despised, denied, or repressed. But you have to keep searching for your body's deeper need, the need for genuine love. Every time you are able to go beyond the body's superficial desires for love, you are bringing your body home and moving toward integration and unity." - Henri Nouwen

"The thing that makes you exceptional, if you are at all, is inevitably that which makes you lonely." - Lorraine Hansberry

"Your sacred space is where you can find yourself again and again." - Joseph Campbell

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." - Gandhi

"If architects want to strengthen a decrepit arch, they increase the load that is laid upon it, for thereby the parts are joined more firmly together. So, if therapists wish to foster their patients' mental health, they should not be afraid to increase that load through a reorientation toward the meaning of one's life." - Victor Frankl

(yes, this is what i do with my time.)

"I would work for ever and ever even without the impetus to do so."

Figure it out.

Note: I think work is good. What I think is dumb, is working at a job you hate/and/or suck at just because you think you must "put in your hours" somewhere. Um, not helping; go home. You know what else is irrelevant? I didn't know I wrote like I had an opinion until OAC law class when my teacher handed me back an assignment with a note (beside her phone number and a smiley face): "I can tell you are passionate about this topic, but be careful not to sound too one-sided." But when I am two-sided and balanced, teacher, I hear, "Sonya, make up your mind, I do not know what you want, I do not trust your wavering." 

Snippet.

I don't want to talk to him right now; you know what I mean? I'm not in that dating mood where I'm like, "Oh really? *giggle* You're so cool!" (Amber)

You are here for this. You are the balance.

The Necessary Foil. [Rumi] XCIII
Privation and defect, wherever seen,
Are mirrors of the beauty of all that is.
The bone-setter, where should he try his skill
But on the broken limb? The tailor where?
Not, surely, on the well-cut finished coat.
Were no base copper in the crucible,
How could the alchemist his craft display?

Napoleon Hill excerpts and paraphrases

"When one is truly ready for a thing, it puts in its appearance."

Yes. Every moment of my life I see this in action.

Determine to remain ready until you get that which you are seeking. Never change your mind. Stick to your resolve.

An intangible impulse of thought can be transmuted into its physical counterpart. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, BE DETERMINED TO STAND BY THAT DESIRE UNTIL YOU REALIZE IT.

Done.

"One of the most common causes of failure is the habit of quitting when one is overtaken by temporary defeat. Every person is guilty of this mistake at one time or another."

HAHAAAA. Not applicable to me. (Though I'm sure that some would appreciate it if I faltered.)

"Maybe young Barnes did not know it at the time, but his bulldog determination, his persistence in standing back of a single DESIRE, was destined to mow down all opposition, and bring him the opportunity he was seeking. When the opportunity came, it appeared in a different form, and from a different direction than Barnes had expected. That is one of the tricks of opportunity. It has a sly habit of slipping in by the back door, and often it comes disguised in the form of misfortune, or temporary defeat. Perhaps this is why so many fail to recognize opportunity."

I don't like the sound of that back-door slippage.

quote of last night that i forgot to post but that when i said it, like a dork i immediately thought, "i must put this on the blog thingy"

LP, reading through the Georgia Strait for new musical acts: "Do you like Nashville Pussy?"

Me, out of it: "I only buy local."

" If everybody acquires a better education my better education will not mean much."

From http://jonjayray.tripod.com/overed.html

"Even outside the humanities it is possible that we might be overeducated. This is particularly so in those increasingly frequent cases where supply leads demand. This comes about because many people, quite realistically, see education as the key to advancement in life. They therefore want to get a better education for themselves or for their children. For this reason they support political moves to make education free and more widely available. There is a fallacy of composition involved here, however. If everybody acquires a better education my better education will not mean much. When competing to get the best jobs I will be no better off in comparison with others than I was before. What has happened is that the standard required to have a chance of getting a particular job has risen. In future, no-one will get such a job unless society has made a bigger and bigger investment in his education. Where once the completion of primary school was sufficient qualification for me to become a clerk in the Public Service, the Public Service is now even employing university graduates as clerks. Where does the spiral stop? How long will it be before even the garbage man has to have a university degree? "

Also like these sites from same author: http://jonjayray.tripod.com/rightism.html
http://edwatch.blogspot.com/

okay then.

"I have learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved…"

http://ye.entreworld.org/SF2002/mentmess.cfm

A Letter to Readers from
Mark Victor Hansen
Co-Founder,
Chicken Soup for the Soul Enterprises

I first realized I was an entrepreneur when I was about nine years old. I desperately wanted a bicycle, but my father said he wouldn't let me have one until I was 21. I negotiated him down to 16 - if I could earn the money.
It was right before Christmas, so I ordered cards from the American Greeting Card Company. The agreement was that I could sell the cards for $2 a box and keep $1 a box. I was pretty aggressive about selling, and all the neighbors seemed to love my smile. I just kept making a bigger and bigger circular "sweep" from my house and eventually out to other neighborhoods. That's how I became the number one door-to-door card salesman in the "nine-year-old division" of American Greeting Cards. Ultimately, I bought the bicycle with half the money and put the other half in savings.
When I started writing and speaking at age 26, I had no idea that I would eventually sell 80 million Chicken Soup for the Soul books. Thirty-three major publishers turned down our first book. Our agent fired us, and said this book of soppy stories would never sell. Then we went to a book expo and 134 more people turned us down. From my selling experiences as a youth, I knew that somebody would eventually say "yes" if I kept looking - no matter how much resistance or pain there was - and they did.
The most important advice I have for any young business person is to keep dreaming until you have the whole picture of what you want to accomplish. You have to know exactly what you want to achieve. Next, put the goal in writing, look at it every day, and begin to visualize yourself reaching that goal. Then, put together a team to get your dream. Find somebody who is a success in your field of interest, and ask them to teach you what they know. If you follow these steps, you will achieve even more than you dream.

Read this article on "What Should I Do With My Life?"

http://www.fastcompany.com/online/66/mylife.html

A big huge.. snippet.. from the article:

Probably the most debilitating obstacle to taking on The Question is the fear that making a choice is a one-way ride, that starting down a path means closing a door forever.

"Keeping your doors open" is a trap. It's an excuse to stay uninvolved. I call the people who have the hardest time closing doors Phi Beta Slackers. They hop between esteemed grad schools, fat corporate gigs, and prestigious fellowships, looking as if they have their act together but still feeling like observers, feeling as if they haven't come close to living up to their potential.

Leela de Souza almost got lost in that trap. At age 15, Leela knew exactly what she wanted to be when she grew up: a dancer. She pursued that dream, supplementing her meager dancer's pay with work as a runway model. But she soon began to feel that she had left her intellect behind. So, in her early twenties, with several good years left on her legs, she took the SATs and applied to college. She paid for a $100,000 education at the University of Chicago with the money that she had earned from modeling and during the next seven years made a series of seemingly smart decisions: a year in Spain, Harvard Business School, McKinsey & Co., a White House Fellowship, high-tech PR. But she never got any closer to making a real choice.

Like most Phi Beta Slackers, she was cursed with tremendous ability and infinite choices. Figuring out what to do with her life was constantly on her mind. But then she figured something else out: Her need to look brilliant was what was keeping her from truly answering The Question. When she let go of that, she was able to shift gears from asking "What do I do next?" to making strides toward answering "To what can I devote my life?"

Asking "What Should I Do With My Life?" is the modern, secular version of the great timeless questions about our identity. Asking The Question aspires to end the conflict between who you are and what you do. Answering The Question is the way to protect yourself from being lathed into someone you're not. What is freedom for if not the chance to define for yourself who you are?

I have spent the better part of the past two years in the company of people who have dared to confront where they belong. They didn't always find an ultimate answer, but taking the question seriously helped get them closer. We are all writing the story of our own life. It's not a story of conquest. It's a story of discovery. Through trial and error, we learn what gifts we have to offer the world and are pushed to greater recognition about what we really need. The Big Bold Leap turns out to be only the first step.

One of the most common mistakes is not recognizing how these value systems will shape you. People think that they can insulate themselves, that they're different. They're not. The relevant question in looking at a job is not What will I do? but Who will I become? What belief system will you adopt, and what will take on heightened importance in your life? Because once you're rooted in a particular system -- whether it's medicine, New York City, Microsoft, or a startup -- it's often agonizingly difficult to unravel yourself from its values, practices, and rewards. Your money is good anywhere, but respect and status are only a local currency. They get heavily discounted when taken elsewhere. If you're successful at the wrong thing, the mix of praise and opportunity can lock you in forever.

Don Linn, the investment banker who took over the catfish farm in Mississippi, learned this lesson the hard way. After years as a star at PaineWebber and First Boston, he dropped out when he could no longer bring himself to push deals on his clients that he knew wouldn't work. His life change smacked of foolish originality: 5.5 million catfish on 1,500 water acres. His first day, he had to clip the wings of a flock of geese. Covered in goose shit and blood, he wondered what he had gotten himself into. But he figured it out and grew his business into a $16 million operation with five side businesses. More important, the work reset his moral compass. In farming, success doesn't come at another farmer's expense. You learn to cooperate, sharing processing plants, feed mills, and pesticide-flying services.

Like Don, you'll be a lot happier if you aren't fighting the value system around you. Find one that enforces a set of beliefs that you can really get behind. There's a powerful transformative effect when you surround yourself with like-minded people. Peer pressure is a great thing when it helps you accomplish your goals instead of distracting you from them.

"What Should I do with my Life?"