Right now I feel like the hugest dickus maximus for a variety of nefarious reasons. (No; as usual, just felt like typing that.) For at least two reasons, I feel craptacular. I invited Lee here for a visit, and now I want to be alone: "Hi, Lee. Welcome! Now go and entertain yourself while I figure my life things out. Umm, you know what? This may take awhile; here's some food and a blanket."
I just really suck. I am the worst host ever. Hahhhh shit. Yes, I forgive myself for being an ass. I am showing Lee the hotspots, and providing him with earthly towels and foods and all that crap; it's just that inside, I feel 'off' - my attitude is one of forced niceness. It's not fake, exactly... moreso distracted. My heart is elsewhere and I'm listening for its songs instead of the noise I'm submerged in. Fine, I am wonderfulness incarnate. (Oh, and said with such conviction.) Yeah mon. I am wonderfulness incarnate, and also the worst host. So, on the plus side I am an impressive multitasker who assumes roles seamlessly on all sides of the spectrum of being. Sometimes I feel this despondency and all that it takes for me to snap back into myself is the awareness that my little problems are nothing at all. I have no desire to direct any of my energy to mindless junk. Sometimes, most easily when I am tired, these emotions have their hayday. I love my emotions. They are like children that live underwater, but that also breathe air. (Work with me here.) Yes. So, these children prefer to mix things up in the air sphere, and being the gracious host that I am (selectively, ahem) -- when they ask and when I am in the right mood, I let them surface to play outdoors, where they run loose and grow strong and refine their expressions and show the world love (as long as I am watching and guiding them...). Oh! That reminds me of how excited I am to go back to the country and walk around in the trees. Or under the trees. Baby steps. I used to tell my brother that the dryads lived in the forests and protected the forest's inhabitants [I had read about them; I didn't walk around talking with them or anything... ;)]. My brother was afraid at that! And then I was afraid because he was afraid. Even though I was the messenger, I had allowed his perception of the message (that I had given, for frig's sake), to influence my own. Oh, how easily mindless madness. And how easily calm clarity. I think I've figured a few things out. And I know myself well enough to know that having typing that conclusion, I will still spend a few more hours wrestling the angels. God, I spent too many years in Sunday School.
"No such thing as wrestling at a distance - to struggle is to embrace."
Dancing.
"Embrace, my ass."
No comments:
Post a Comment