And the reason is A. You. B. Me C. The question. D. Why am I choosing an answer when I haven't figured out what I'm asking E. . . ..

Two ESL students nailed me, the sitting duck, while I waited for a friend in front of the library today. Martin was from Germany and The Girl (I don't remember her name) hailed from Mexico. They asked me some survey questions as I cringed and braced myself for the pain of impact on the earth of shattered illusions. (I can get away with writing this because I said so.):

1. "If you were on a deserted island, what would you have with you.." [I could feel my head begin to spin -- Oh, lovely! Not THIS question! Um, I have NO IDEA! What WOULD I bring with me?? What are my priorities and values?! WHAT DO I WANT IN MY LIFE? What AM I?! (yes, i take these surveys seriously. ahem.) but thankfully the question continued in a happy way] -- "A person, or a computer?"

I think, that when posed a question as confusing as is this one [what are you REALLY asking of me? and why is the island deserted? For how long am i on this island? Is this an exile or a honeymoon trip? Does the island have electricity? Wireless? What is MY MOTIVATION here? Oh, you want to see what my default motivation is? Shit. Can't you just GIVE me one to work with?] with only two options as answers, the answer that is the most strange and ridiculous-sounding to your current state of mind will be the one upon which your mind focuses. Your confused mind will play with the ridiculous answer. It will puzzle over this thought that seems inconsistent with the current Modus operandi, in simultaneous awe and disgust; and then, the mind will do it! This reasoning explains entirely the existence of the highjump, and sex, and this blog, and my fashion sense, and my sense of timing.

This also explains why "person!!" was the first word to come out of my mouth in response. Yes. I have everything figured out. Anyway, I was so grateful at the time for having had only the two options available and that I didn't have to think or reveal my thinking process and character and lack thereof, so I let my first answer stand.

2. "If you could go anywhere in a time machine..." [Fukkkk.] "to which would you want to travel, the past or the future?" [Okay, at least I have only two options again.. I can handle this]. For this one, i was thinking, 'hmmm, do they really want to know what I think? No, this is just an English speaking exercise for them. But they did ask, so.... HAHahhahaa, suckas.' Instead of outting myself as weird by sounding like some quirky newage smartass type [*shout outs*], I outted myself as weird by sounding like some similar, less cutting-edge-80s smartass type. I don't know. I bit my lip and said with as much of the straight on my face that I could muster, "There is only now." At that moment the clouds parted and the light shone from the heavens above, onto where I stood in my self-satisfied glory, beside a pile of doggie doo-doo. [Good thing those last two weren't reversed.] That's right folks, the guru had spoken. Haha I felt like such an ass. Ass me no more questions.

3. "Has technology harmed life, or made it better?" This time I almost started laughing. Wrong question, dude. I didn't know where to begin or how to answer this one. For the sake of brevity and inaccuracy, I didn't request that we define the meaning of technology or anything like that. Instead, I did what I'd done countless times in school when I thought an essay test question was pointless: I answered it anyway. :) But first I gave a little disclaimer about how technology is a means to help us do what we want, so we must first have a goal. I don't know what the hell I was talking about.

4. "How much time do you spend on the computer?"

Too much.

Thus ended the questioning minute 'o joy. I asked them what the survey was for; if it was for a project. They answered, 'Our teacher sent us out to talk with Canadians. Are you a real Canadian? There aren't many of them around here.'

"Yes, I was born in Ontario. Where is your school? --" I kept talking with them but they tried to run away. People! You told me that you are doing the survey to practice your English! I was talking with you! And I'm Canadian! The survey is a TOOL, mothafukkers! Like technology! Use the TOOL to enrich YOU! Get your asses back here! Hellooooo -- Don't you understand English?! Oh, -- uh, that's right, you don't.

I think it's good to know why we do things. I think it's good to do things for a reason.