Did I ...?

The Guy, Manager
Building and Grounds Department
The Place
P.O. Box 8080 Vancouver BC V0X 311
Fax: (604) 888 - 7070
Email: TheGuy@ThePlace.org

Deadline for applications: The Date


To Mr. The Guy:

Thank you for considering my application to join your Buildings and Grounds Department. While engaged in my studies and side-projects (I am a student of natural building techniques), I would enjoy and excel at a part-time position where I can work behind-the-scenes and interact with and uplift the people I meet.

I have extensive gardening and ecology experience thanks to my learning position at UBC's Centre for Plant Research, and to a youth spent cavorting in the nude in the countryside (it's good to know what plants not to sit on). My initiative and priority-setting capabilities are honed daily in my entrepreneurial pursuits, and were surprisingly evident while managing an organic farm on Salt Spring Island two years ago. My ability to adapt to changing situations has guaranteed my spot on the spotless state of spot-changing mind. (It's a state that doesn't exist as the founders haven't stayed in one spot long enough to establish a community. MMmmmm, yum, pretzels. What's the topic again?)

I have had many opportunities to communicate clearly and diplomatically with the public. I have worked in a busy downtown sales office, meeting many people from diverse backgrounds and integrating with them seamlessly. Once, a young couple mistook me for one of their siamese children. We all laughed uproariously. I like people and it shows.

Hard work is a friend of mine. I invested a year of my short life in a Plant lab, conducting experiments and collecting data and washing piles of glassware. There, patience, routine and protocol were hailed as gods. The gods of the lab bitches. From this, I learned to fulfil my duties and to practice what I already know -- to give more than what I ask for -- and to keep my smartass mouth shut. This ain't no democracy. When I live my understanding of the universal law, good things happen for me.

Groundskeeping interests me in a psychological and outdoors/physical exercise way: Harmonious, well-cared for surroundings positively influence mood and elicit happier expressions from the people visiting the space. The conditions create the outcome. Attitude determines outcome. I hope to see clean harmonious environments everywhere that thus encourage the highest expression of goodness from all who visit these spaces of reflected beauty. (It sounds cheesy but there are studies proving the positive correlation between health of mind and the harmonious appearance of surroundings. Aesthetics is necessary for the heightening, and potential-actualization, of the soul.) And, even if I've created this fact out of thin air right now, this is further evidence of my quick-thinking ability to bullshit my way out of anything. That's a good skill to have mastered by a shining member on your janitorial team. I could make up stuff to help you cover your ass in case you spill some toxic chemical into a public playground area. That's just the beginning; Imagine the possibilities.

I work well alone and keep the lines of communication open. I have a great attitude bordering on pollyanna-ish; some would say I've crossed that line long ago. I focus on my work and complete my goals in a calm and effective manner.

I am available for Monday, Wednesday and other shifts. Actually, I don't want the job, I just wanted to write an application for it. Thanks for your time,

Sincerely hoping you don't call,
Sonya